Hey cheer up!! some jokes for you..
A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
The policeman stops the guy and says,
"What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"
The guy says,
"What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."
One day in the back woods of West Hollywood, a giant bear was chasing little rabbit.
"Stop running and get back here!" yelled the bear.
"Never!" shouted the rabbit.
Well as the rabbit was running he tripped on a lamp. His soft furry foot brushed the lamp and out popped a genie.
The genie noticed the frightened rabbit was being chased by the bear.The genie said to the bear,
"Hey! If you stop chasing him I'll grant you and the rabbit both two wishes!"
The bear agreed and was so eager he jumped to go first. He said, "I wish that a had the biggest penis in the world!
"*Poof!* and his wish was granted.
The rabbit went next, "I wish I had a super fast motorcycle!"
*Poof* and the rabbit's wish was granted.
The bear looked at the rabbit and thought, "What a lame wish!"
For his final wish, the bear smirked as he wished that all the other bears in the world were female.
*Poof* his wish was granted.
The rabbit jumped on his motorcycle, revved the engine and laughed.
Just before he booked out of there he said, "I wish the bear was gay!"
Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof.
While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of poop behind.
The two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the poop is so they can jump down.
So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep."
So the two brunettes jump down and scream,
"What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!"
And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head.
When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that" said the trucker.
The man said "Yeah". The trucker ask the man
"You want to try it?"
The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, andduring her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Oh,...Tarzan use hole intrunk of tree.
"Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,...but I will show youhow to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on theground.
"Here" she said,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane hisconsiderable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick rightin the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed:"What in the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel."
A Mexican walks into a bakery and asks, "Excuse me, may I have a bum, please?"
The baker laughs and says, "Oh, you must mean a bun, sure, here you go."
The Mexican next goes to the hardware store.
He asks the clerk, "Excuse me, can I get a fucket here?"
The clerk laughs and says, "Oh, you must mean a bucket. Of course!"
The Mexican then goes to a pet shop. He asks the manager, "May i have a Cockandspankit?" The manager laughs and says. "I think i misunderstood you, you must mean a Cockerspaniel. On his way home, the Mexican loses the leash on his dog.
The Mexican frantically runs after it and yells at a woman and asks, "Can you please hold my bum and fuck it, while I go get my cock and spank it?"
Two lions are walking along the beach. One turns to the other and says "It's awfully quiet today isn't it?"
A young polar bear walks up to his dad one day and asks, "Dad, am I a pure polar bear—you know, not part black bear, brown bear, or grizzly bear?"
"Why no, son. You come from a long line of proud and strong polar bears. Why do you ask?" "Because I’m fuckin’ cold."
A little boy came down to breakfast.
Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon?
Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning."
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight.
Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day.
The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.
The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate.
It tastes even more scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate.
The man asks, "What gives?"
And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.
All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!
"The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
A woman reporter is driving a jeep in the desert.
She sees a Captain in the French Foreign Legion pulling and tugging on a camel, but the camel won't budge.
The woman stops and says,"Captain! Do you need some help with the camel?"
The legionarie tells her the camel won't budge but she's welcome to try.
The reporter gets out of the jeep, takes two bricks from the back and POW... smashes the camel's testicles with the bricks.
The camel makes a terrible noise and runs off into the desert.
The captain drops his pants and says, "Great! Do me next, I've got to catch that son of a bitch!"
Did you know that elephants actually have their sexual organs in their feet?
Yup, if one steps on you, you're screwed.
An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred."What", said Marge."I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all.""I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn."